I am going insane

I'm seriously in a place where I either need to start being healthy or I will probably just go insane.

I, I can't, not even with the help of SENSA find it in me to stop binge eating and eating UNHEALTHY. I have packed on a total of 30 pounds over the last 2 1/2 years. I know that this is not about numbers. Being healthy is really about how you FEEL and LOOK in the process of taking care of yourself. But I can't. I just can't seem get in shape. Or be motivated to consistently take care of myself. I have been wanting to just give up on myself today. Today I just consumed so much.

2 gluten free waffles
4 tablespoons of maple syrup with water mixed in
2 sushi rolls
1 bowl of miso soup
1 large bag of cheetoh puffs
3 pcs of popeyes chicken
1 cup of mashed potatoes
1 cup of cajun fries
2 popeyes biscuits
1/2 a sprite

I just. I'm not sure what it is that makes me want to hurt myself and feel like poop but I do it. I just can't seem to help myself. God knows that this isn't the way I want to live.

Oh, and let me just tell you the worst part about me being a over eater.
I spend almost 100 dollars within 2 or 3 days JUST on eating out. I don't believe it just eating what I have already purchased from the grocery store!! I write checks for food that are bad. I want so desperately to look and feel beautiful. But the LORD has allowed me to continue to the end of my rope I guess so that maybe He may bring me to a place of contentment and peace. I know that life is so much more than how you look. But I just, I hate the way I feel about my body. I hate the way I am obsessed about my body . I hate the way it is just so hard to NOT eat everything that is in sight.

I love you Lord. ANd I am so, so very sorry that I don't have the ability to be reliant on completely you. But I do want to be! I do. I just can't seem to get there. I just can't seem to be wholly surrendered to your will. I want to LORD. I do.

Will you please help me Lord? Will you please take the reigns and rule over this eating disorder of mine? I am yours FATHER... Break my legs LORD and give me the strength that only you can give me.

♥